My fucking customers.

or
"The Chrome off a Trailer Hitch: A catalogue of annoying choads, wankers, fockers, cunts, and so on who are absolutely welcome to never come back."

By H. Barista

1. Carpet Salesman guy.

• Oh, carpet salesman guy. I know your name, but I'm not posting it here. Let it just be known, you suck. You suck so fucking much. You suck so much and so hard I'd love to replace that goddamned headset cellphone with a glory hole. Then at least you'd be making somebody happy.

You come in. You order something real cheap. You don't tip. You then procede to commandeer the two comfy chairs. You pull an extra table in front of the comfy chairs. You spread out all your goddamned stuff, sometimes including cheesy fucking carpet samples, and plug in your laptop, your gaybo blackberry charger and whatever else you have. You never remove your fucking cellphone headset. You take up the same amount of space as four people. And you stay at least five hours.
You pace. And you talk loudly. And you demand endless refills. And you want me to shake your refills in the shaker, which is nasty, and I won't. And you're an asshole. You complain about kids making noise, when you're playing big wheel at the cracker factory.
Newsflash: You're not hot shit. And, we've all seen you pick your nose. That's just nasty, guy.

2. Unshaken, Unsweetened, large iced coffee guy.

• Notice my use of whole words when describing you. You see, I've been communicating in english for years. Except for emphasis, I even use full sentences. From my use of standard grammatical structures, it can be inferred that I COMPREHEND SPOKEN ENGLISH. That's why most of my customers feel comfortable not using pidgin.

Not you, guy. You're a superstar.
"No shakey, no stirry, no sweety, no special cuppy"
Sure, sure. And no matter how many times I've called it back to you using real words, you insist on ordering that way. It's not cute, not only because you're not at all cute. (No matter how many women claim to find Tony Soprano sexy, a greasy stained t-shirt encasing an old coarse fat balding fuck isn't a charming stylistic statement, you oily wedge of tepid man-ham)

You are cordially invited to enjoy your next iced beverage
right here.------------------------------------>

3. Raspberry Iced Coffee broad.

• I have it on some authority that you're probably mentally ill. I'm guessing that you're a nurse. Either way, feel free to not come back. You get just enough syrup in your coffee to not pay for it. You want us to put the milk in your coffee. But you don't want to get any less coffee in your coffee. So you want us to make your coffee as if it were black, then add milk. Then you want the 'extra'.

If we leave room in your coffee for you to put milk in, like everybody goddamned else, you say "Can I have some coffee in my coffee, please?" Weak laugh. Heh-eh.
Not funny, lady. Not at all. Somewhat insulting. I'm just trying to find a way to make you happy. So I give you your coffee with syrup, and equal, black. So you bring it over to the condiment bar. You spill out about an inch. Not even into the trash (which pisses me off enough), but onto the counter. You then take the whole milk OFF the condiment bar, bring it over to the bar area...and fix your coffee there. And leave a huge fucking mess. And tell me "Oh, this is pretty much empty, dear"
No, it's not.
You are.
Isn't it embarassing to be, well, too small potatoes to LIVE? You can't afford the 35 cents for the syrup you want? You'd just collapse from hunger or fall asleep at the wheel without that extra centimeter of coffee, milk, equal, and rasberry? You really need to make a point to me, your poverty stricken student barista, about how much of a pain it is to have to put milk in your own coffee?
I picture you perched with coworkers, drinking your iced coffee, telling them how you 'get your money's worth'.
Goddamn, lady. It must be NO fun to be you. Fuck off. For free.



4. Regular who steals.

• You're a sweet lady. Your daughter comes in. Your husband comes in. To get your drink.

You're fairly kind to us, and don't drink anything that's too much of a pain to make. You're particular about your drink, but no worse than anyone else. You have a decent job, and you're respected by coworkers. (who also come in to get your drink). You might be a little nitpicky about whether you get a discount or not when you should.
But someone caught you stealing the other day. And they didn't say anything. That's how much we like you- we didn't want to embarass you. But we're concerned. Get help, lady. Stealing when not needed is definitely symptomatic of other problems.

5. Multiple Refills guy.

• It's refill, guy. Not infinifil.

I thought it was pretty gross when you'd keep bringing back the same cup, over and over again, for weeks. It would be rubbed nearly through, sticky, stained, and bent. Somewhat the way I'd picture your internal passages, if I cared to picture your internal passages. It was nasty, guy. So a couple times I'd switch out the cup, if I felt it was about to shred to pieces in my hands. For my own safety.
So now you not only demand refills of coffees you bought four, five, six months...maybe a year ago...you want new cups for the refills. Guy, it's the CUP that makes it a refill. Otherwise, it's just a coffee. A large coffee.
So if you've been paying 53 cents instead of 1.89.
And that's two refills at a time for at least a year. That's 992.80.
Which is one-tenth of what I made last year. How do you feel, guy? Does that make you feel better or worse? So you've made something like a 30,000% return on your investment. Does that make you feel like a big man?
It's a fucking pain is what it is. Your two refills and two coffees every night...that's sixty ounces of coffee. It's a fucking gallon, guy. Don't act all upset when we need to brew more for you. And don't pretend you really are so attached to 'bold'. You know how I know it doesn't matter to you, you just think it does? GUATEMALA WAS BREWED AS BOLD AND YOU DRANK IT, GUY. It doesn't magically change tastes because the bag is different. I've just flipped the tags when I saw you coming and poured you breakfast blend. You don't know what you like, guy. Fucking asshat. And there's never any coffee left for the person behind you. Selfish fuck.
And the whole thing...your thousand dollar profit...that's not bought by your slick-o planning. That's bought by your dependence on poor baristas being too embarassed to confront you on your refill abuse.
ASSSS.

PS. If you're going to tell people you won't go to a certain dentist because asians might go there too, buy a fucking toothbrush. I'm sick of looking at teeth that look like the insides of those skanky cups you bring in. And while you're at it, you might try bathing in WATER instead of cologne. That only fools frogs.