Meditation on "Memoirs of a Geisha"

I saw 'Memoirs of a Geisha' with a friend of mine yesterday. Decent movie. Very atmospheric. Unlike Kingdom of Heaven, the careful cinematography and art direction was backed up with a plot and character development. In fact, the cinematography even enhanced the plot. Which was nice.

There was one shot in particular, where just the interaction of acting, lighting, and camera angles appeared to bring the main character, Sayuri/Chiyo, from childhood into adolescence. Her face, a childs, seemed for a moment completely ageless.

In a word, it was neat.

Anyway. That the movie had a pleasing plot and good narrative drive isn't worth talking about, because it was based on a novel that had both. I'm also not going to talk about the implications of using chinese and malaysian actresses instead of japanese, because, well, I dunno.

But. It did bring up some issues. Like...why aren't their courtesans anymore? Or geisha? Or really, really high-class prostitutes? Why isn't there a demimonde?

Because of fucking romantic fucking marriage. Or, the expectation of romantic marriage. Men expect their wives to like them, fuck them and make conversation, rather than expecting their wives to cook and clean and breed. So we're left with prostitution, because men still can't expect consistent sex throughout marriage, and straight unmarried men keep refusing to have sex with each other, as god intended.

And the sad result of this perverse modern inovation is that being charming, talented, and easy is no longer a career option for women. You have to be charming, talented, and easy for free, or pretend to be so for a few weeks or months, and then return to your dismal skanky self once a commitment is made. Men and women expect to fulfill all (or the majority of) each other's opposite sex needs. Men and women occupy similar worlds, due to feminism. There is no upperclass male world of art, letters, and dirty jokes with a separate supportive domestic female world. Thus, there is no neccessity for a segment of women to cross over into the male world.

If men have a reasonable expectation that their legally sanctioned heterosexual relationships will be in any way fulfilling, the career of professional mistress is dead. It's simply too expensive to keep two women when one will do. Especially now that one woman can be expected to be self-supporting. Why buy the cow when you can marry the milk while she continues working and pays for the cable?

Too bad. I mean, feminism is great and everything, but...I'd really, really like to be witty, learned, and slutty and nothing else, and, you know, eat cheese like nobody's business.

I think I have an inferiority complex.

I'll mail a roll of pennies to the first person who supplies me with the originator of that term. It's in my notes, but why not skip a step?

But my roommate bought that charmin ultra toilet paper. It's so thick and soft and cushy. They should get rid of those fat-bottomed bears and go to a simpler ad campaign. On a black screen, in mid-sized, serifless font, it should say:

Charmin Ultra: The kiss of luxury, on your sphincter.

That's all. That's all you need. Unfortunately, I can't deal with soft, cushy, almost plush toilet paper. It feels like it's too good for my proletarian bumhole. So I bought Scott, single-ply. I feel like after a roll of this corrective toilet paper, I will feel ready for the rippled kind, which is only slightly above me.

Underused Nicknames for US States

Alabama : The Touch-Me State
Alaska: Girls! Girls! Girls!
Arizona: America's Chumbucket
California: Potsylvania
Colorado: Coloraddy
Connecticutt:Grandma
Delaware: Smellaware
Florida: Laos on the Atlantic
Louisiana: The thinking man's Tennessee
New Jersey: The Garden State
New Hampshire: Lil' Smokey
New Mexico: Old Canada
New York: Happy Sock

more later

Lesser known facts about women

That can be discerned from the feminine hygiene aisle at CVS.



True: Women like to smell like food. They will buy nearly anything that will make them smell either like a salad course or a dessert. The dessert part has been known for decades. The salad course is a more recent innovation. It began with skin products containing avacado and cucumber, for their cooling properties. Now women will pay money for the privilege of splashing alcohol and water solutions laced with the scent of cucumber and anything onto themselves, anywhere you suggest they should.

While cucumber melon and cucumber green tea have been fully exploited at prices accessible to any consumer, cucumber and a light vinagrette is, as yet, unpopular. This may be, at least in some part, due to women's discomfort at walking around smelling as if they'd just douched and then pleasured themselves with the pick of the produce department.

False: Women want their vaginas to smell like flowers, seasons, or abstract concepts. The product at right is "Norforms Vaginal Suppositories". It's a waxy, scented, plug that women stick into their boxes, which then melts and releases its scent as the day goes on. People don't believe me when I tell them this product exists. I know it does. I used to put it on shelves when I worked at a pharmacy. But just because it exists doesn't mean that it is needed or wanted; however, it may be used because it exists. While it is false that women don't wake up in the middle of the night, concerned that their vaginas don't smell enough like lilies, ambition, or autumn dew; it is true that there are a certain segment of women who can be convinced that other women's vaginas smell like 'wisteria wanderings', and if theirs don't...well, civilization might be less for it.

True: Vulvae can be terrible, disturbing, disgusting things that must be contained, for the LOVE OF GOD. They lie in wait, in underpants, ready to spew forth, well, just anything at any moment. That is why so many products meant to be jammed into the vagina, or placed in front of it to keep it from contaminating the world, are named after soothing abstractions. Let us consider: Instead.

What is instead?

Why, instead is the feminine hygiene cup. Instead is a little soft poly cup that you brace against your cervix, to catch all the fluids that runs out. For men: This differs from tampons in that tampons absorb the fluids. This cup just..well, dams them up. So they retain all their feminine, runny, gloopy glory. It is, in all ways but one, inferior to tampons, because all fluids retain their fluid natures...just waiting to spill out. So what is it instead of? I suppose, it's instead of just standing pantsless over a bucket with your legs open for 4-6 days. (The maple syrup method) How is instead superior to tampons? It's the only feminine hygiene product that can be worn during intercourse. How's that, guys...INSTEAD of putting down a towel, you get to bang your dick against a soft cup full of 12 hours worth of blood!

Other abstract concepts in women's pants "Serenity" and "Poise".


These are, of course, products designed to keep women who piss themselves, over the course of their daily lives, from being discovered pissing themselves over their daily lives.

You'd think this would be a problem known only to elderly women, and equally so to elderly men.
Alas, no. It's a dirty secret that one in three women, after having a baby, experiences stress incontinence. One in three. That means that if you're into milfs, you're into watersports. One in three women can be found, if laughing or doing strenuous exercises, serenely, and with poise, pissing themselves.

Fat Children vs. Fat Puppies- A reprise

Even on christmas, I hate

















but I love...











not a big fan of...














but I'm pretty keen on