The Boston Celtics

In order by how much I'd like to see them naked.

1. (Tied)Marcus Banks
(Tied)Tony Allen
Very tough call. But I feel like Marcus won't be a Celtic long. Who knows where he'll go. And who wants to see a Knick or a Net or a Wizard naked? Not me. Not now. But Tony Allen...the arms. The shoulders. The back. The legs. It's obvious what I need to complete this picture.

2. Ricky Davis
I just...need to know. I mean...the dunks. What is the source of his power? Could it be? I think it is. I think, if he is not an alien from the planet dunktron, he must draw his power from somewhere. And a girl has hopes.

3. Delonte West
I already know what model bed he sleeps in; It's hard not to wonder what he sleeps in.

4. Kendrick Perkins
This is really wrong, because he's a million years younger than me. But he's gotten so big over the three seasons. He has stretch marks on his arms. I want to touch them.

5. Marc Blount
I keep a basketball signed by him next to my bed. He looks a little like one of my ex-boyfriends. He's charmingly unassuming. He never looks directly at the camera. The crushness is great.

6. Orien Greene
Again, much younger than me. But oh, the legs.

7. Justin Reed

8. Ryan Gomes

9. Gerald Greene

10. Dan Dickau
I could, after all, squint my eyes and pretend he's Toby Maguire. Or Topher Grace.

11. Raef LaFrentz

12. Brian Scalabrine
Oh, the pastiness. Oh, the doughiness. Oh...the freckles and the firecrotch.

Excluded from the list- Al Jefferson and Paul Pierce. Al Jefferson because he is my soulmate, and thus, I refuse to objectify him. He's also the pure embodiment of the hopes of Basketball. He is our gallant one, our grail knight, our Galahad. Paul Pierce because I have too much respect for him as a human being, for his struggles and his successes. I have a childish adoration of him.