Let's bring back an age-blind labor system!

Just look at these happy, productive members of society!

Do they look exploited to you? Those chubby cheeks, those shoeless feet, those hollow, soulless eyes that know naught of childhood.

Age-appropriate productive labor has long been a vital part of practical education in every society around the world.

Idle childhood is a modern abberation that may just be destroying our society. Ridding cities of the social disease of slothful pre-adolescents may just solve one of the most troublesome paradoxes affecting american society.

I speak, of course, of the high cost of living in most large urban areas, leading to low-wage workers demanding living wages respective to the average rent and transportation cost in their metro area.

Gas station attendents, waiters, cashiers, bus boys, dishwashers- paying all of these people wages high enough to feed, clothe, and shelter an adult can't possibly be a solution. It might lead to raising prices for these services. And even if it didn't, pressuring businesses to do that would be socialism! (for those who've never studied economic systems, socialism=herpes)

And the solution certainly wouldn't be to change city zoning laws to encourage dense, affordable multi-family development. Single family homes on large lots are just so much more charming! And such a better use of city services! A big expensive house for 4 people uses less water and sewer and creates much less traffic than two triple-deckers on the same lot, and if it's real expensive, the owners would never send their kids to public schools! It just might raise property values, which might make the whole area bring in more taxes.

(And remember, kids, Kelo says: Government is in the business of increasing tax revenues!)

We certainly couldn't subsidize the building of affordable housing, and then sell those units to private management companies, with an agreement that they be rented below market, to the working poor. That would be communism. (communism=syphilis).

So who is it who are capable of performing menial, repetitive tasks, yet don't have to pay for housing, food or transportation?

Children. Middle and upper class children. Let's turn the tired, unstylish idea of child labor on its head, give it a zesty, modern twist. Instead of poor children working to help support their families, let's have middle class children work to keep poor families out of their community! Children don't have to support themselves. Anything they do earn can be set aside for their college expenses, or perhaps a car. They're always covered by their parent's health insurance, so they don't need benefits. They're years away from retirement, so no plans needed there. And what would solve the epidemic of childhood obesity like physical labor? They won't mind making the minimum wage, or even under. My coworker has a three year old niece who tried to buy a ten dollar stuffed bear with a quarter. It's obvious- children do not know the value of money.
Profits would soar.

People are always complaining about how the counter girl at Dunkin' Donuts doesn't speak english, how the surly guy at the oil change place scratches his crotch and leers. Wouldn't it be lovely to be served coffee by an eager, fresh-scrubbed eight-year old who grew up around the words "cream" and "sugar" and even "latte"? (remember, these won't be poor children. These will be Madisons and Dylans and Codys). What about to have your oil changed by a squeaky-clean boy, testicles tucked snugly away in his abdomen, out of reach until they drop at puberty.

They wouldn't have to spend their whole childhoods working. Perhaps from 8-12. Can you remember anything you learned between third and seventh grades? Thought not. You learn to read, to add, to multiply, and then nothing til high school. Then, exhausted, calloused, innoculated with a fine yankee work ethic, they would go off to high school full time. And they'd be glad to do it. What a vacation it would seem! What a privilege! There would be no cutting class, no spitting in the halls, no sass-mouth. Just maturity, hard work, and a few occupational injuries.

I know, I know, some people would whine that child labor is "exploitative". I'm not advocating returning to the mill days. There would be no 12 hour days, no squalid rooming houses, no physical punishment or nutritional deficiencies. The labor of a child would be no more exploited than that of an adult. They would work for wages set by their communities, in safe conditions, well-supervised. Just like I do. They could even take their little tips to the corner store and buy candy and bon bons and magazines. Just like I do.

And what could be more exploitative than deliberately driving up housing prices, co-opting the little remaining affordable housing stock for use by the upper class, while wages remain stagnant, perpetuating a situation where people cannot afford to live near the communities they serve, all in the name of "property values"?

What better solution is there to allay liberal guilt? It is a cherished dream of every blue-stater that the person who pumps their gas, pours their coffee, spackles their walls, washes their clothes, trims their trees- have a clean, safe place to live, adequate food and medical care, and a chance to have a quality education.

The only way to achieve that dream without actually having to compromise cheap coffee and high property values is child labor.

Dream big, kiddies.